Scientists find new black hole, located in Washington D.C.


With the shutdown of NASA, NOAA, and other scientific institutes due to the U.S. budget issues, you just can’t keep the good scientists down. Unfunded and unpaid, they have continued to work using their own financial resources, telescopes, and time. Due to this dedication to their work, and the understanding that they have a job to do no matter what obstacles are placed in the way (unlike some government leaders) it has been reported that they have found a new black hole much closer than we all could have possibly imagined…in Washington D.C. To be more specific, they believe these could be a pair of rare binary black holes.

Using their own personal observations, along with data gathered from the great space telescopes such as Hubble, Spitzer, and Kepler, they continue to do incredible work. Creating software that combines and collates gigabytes of data, filtering through the cloudy, confusing, disorganized atmosphere around Washington they have managed to locate these new anomalies with great precision. One is located in the House of Representatives, the other in the Senate.

In nature, two black holes such as these would normally orbit each other and quickly merge into one, forming a unified single entity. The unusual thing about these new astronomical objects is that they actually seem to repel each other and never come together to common ground, thus defying the laws of physics and logic. Additionally, this could actually be an even more interesting and unusual find in that it may be a trinary system with the third black hole located at the White House, more research is needed to confirm.

Among some of the other abnormal characteristics of these two huge, bloated masses is that they do not feed on normal matter that comes near them; instead, they feed primarily on U.S. tax dollars. In speaking about this particular observation  Dr. Edward Zebrowski of the renowned International Institute of Pseudoscience stated, “The rate at which they ingest dollars is unprecedented. In normal black holes some matter expels at the poles as they feed, but in this case, massive numbers of dollars go in and are never seen again. We can see absolutely no evidence that anything comes from this ingestion of money.”

Dr. Zebrowski continued, “it appears the prospect of seeing these two lumbering, wallowing, directionless entities merge is as likely as finding Unobtainium on the periodic charts,” he went on, “even though it would appear that the best and most productive thing would be to get together, the two continue to repel one another, despite our best efforts to get them to merge.”

We of course cannot see the black holes themselves as they have absorbed all light going into them but we can see the event horizon. Scientists using infrared photometry noted an unusual amount of hot air in this region as well as a giant sucking sound.

There is some hope, however, for the future. The black holes could be forced to move on and leave the D.C. area, leaving the country greatly relieved and undoubtedly better off.  The main issue is that the effort needed to carry this out would require the participation of all Americans.  It is a daunting task, but we can hope that at some point people will get tired of the vacuum being created in Washington and will see fit to join as one voice to remove these masses of useless matter sucking the life out of all of us.